[From Samhain to the Solstice]: Chapter Twenty-One of 'Adagio'- Dread and Horror

[lomonaaeren]

When he was back in his own quarters, Severus sat down and removed layer after layer of ice from his mind.

It was delicate work. On the one hand, he had to keep the memories of this evening sharp. That meant he could not blur or soften what had happened. On the other, he had to feed his emotions back into himself. Horror and dread and self-loathing and hatred were necessary to feel after he had held them at bay for so long.

Those who never understood this were unlikely to survive the intensive use of Occlumency.

When he was done, Severus sat and shook for a time. The hint that he should bring Harry to the Dark Lord was not unexpected; he had offered that himself. What had hit like a Blasting Curse was the Dark Lord having kept his promise to Severus.

Of course Lily did not stand aside. She would never do so.

Severus sat quietly in the company of his self-hatred, all the other emotions having faded away, and then stood and cast Floo powder into the fireplace. Shock or not, he would need to make a report to Albus.

*

“Are you all right, sir?”

Severus raised an eyebrow. Harry had lingered behind after his Potions class, and was staring at Severus so intently that Severus wondered if Moody was teaching him Legilimency.

On the other hand, Moody was unlikely to know it. He would have no use for such Dark Arts. And Harry had shown no interest in learning it from Severus, either. He only wanted to protect his mind, not lash out.

There was some motive there, something important that Severus only chased for a moment before he gave up on it. “You had something to ask me, Mr. Potter?”

“I asked if you were all right.”

Severus snorted a little, but shook his head in the face of Harry’s inquiring gaze. It wasn’t as though he intended to tell the child that he must spend his time spying on the Dark Lord, and all the intricacies of the web of vows and service that Albus had tied him in. “I’m as well as can be when I must spend time with dunderheads like your classmates.”

Normally, the word “dunderheads” would have made Harry smile, but now he just watched Severus with another bout of oddly intense silence. Then he sighed and dipped his head a little. “You don’t have to confide in me, sir, but I wish you would go take a Calming Draught from Madam Pomfrey, or—something.”

“What makes you think I am not capable of brewing my own Calming Draughts?”

Harry smiled at him. This time, it was a sad smile, something Severus had never seen on his face before. “All right, sir. But I just want you to consider that sometimes you need outside help.”

He turned and left before Severus could think of a reply. Severus continued staring after him, and then shook his head.

What Harry said might be true. But he did not know that Severus had closed all possible avenues of help for himself before Harry was born.

*

“Snape! A minute of your time.”

Severus hid a sneer as he turned around and met Moody’s gaze. The man was limping towards him with greater than usual speed. Severus leaned back on the wall with his arms folded. At least Dumbledore’s man hadn’t been intolerable in the last few months. He never acted to Severus the way he did to Karkaroff.

Perhaps he believed me when I told him that Harry was not so far gone, despite being in Slytherin.

Moody pulled up and huffed for a moment, then fixed his one good eye on Snape. The magical one was watching down the corridor. “The boy asked me to check in on you.”

There could be only one boy he would be referencing, but Severus still stared, incredulous. Then he said, “I am perfectly well.”

“Not physically, Snape. Mentally.”

Severus held back a sigh. Harry was—prying where he might be welcome, in some senses, but where he had no duty to pry. “That is also fine. As fine as it can be when I am around the dunderheads.”

He expected Moody to either berate him for how he referred to the students or bring up the Dark Mark. Instead, Moody leaned in and peered at him with both eyes. Snape stared back.

“You really do seem to be fine,” Moody muttered. “Huh.”

And he turned and left.

Severus shook his head. He would never understand the madman. That he would leave up to Harry, and welcome.

*

The Dark Lord summoned Severus twice more before the Second Task. Each time, he asked after Harry. He looked into Severus’s mind. He dropped a few hints about his servant at the school, which Severus obediently reported to Albus, but Albus’s suspicions were focused on Karkaroff, while Severus’s were more diffuse.

He was beginning to wonder if his Occlumency was as good as he thought it was, and if the Dark Lord had perhaps erased certain of his memories and planted commands in his mind that Severus did not know about and could not resist.

It was the only thing Severus could think that would make sense of the way the Dark Lord seemed to laugh at him and yet let Severus leave his presence without pain again and again. The hints about the servant.

What Harry had told Severus about the Slytherin common room buzzing with only muted excitement and speculation when it came to the events at the Quidditch World Cup, and casting glances at Harry that said they expected something else to happen soon, but nothing had.

Severus shivered as he wondered if the Dark Lord had set plans in motion that would force Severus to bring Harry to him, whether or not he wanted to.

He was nearly desperate enough to ask Albus to look for traces of such commands in his mind. Only knowing that those were not the only secrets Albus would discover stayed his hand.