Chapter Thirty-One of 'The Onyx in Radiance'- Shadow of a Scar

[lomonaaeren]

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Chapter Thirty-One—Shadow of a Scar

“I just wanted to say that you don’t have to feel bound to continue this.”

Harry had practiced those words to himself, muttering under his breath in History to the point that some people had looked oddly at him, and practicing them in front of the mirror in the Slytherin boys’ bathroom when he was alone there, too. But they didn’t sound natural, and Orion was turning towards him with an odd expression on his face.

“You don’t have to tell me everything yet if you don’t want to,” Orion said, and he couldn’t have aimed any harder at soothing if he’d been practicing the words in front of a mirror, too. “Space it out. I want you to be comfortable with what you tell me.”

Oh. He thought I wanted to tell him my secrets.

That made guilt writhe in Harry’s stomach, because it really wasn’t fair that Orion intended to court and Harry when there were so many secrets between them. But at the moment, Harry still didn’t know what to do about that, so he decided to ignore it and go ahead with the real purpose of this conversation.

“I mean that you don’t have to feel bound to continue courting me,” Harry said, and hoped he didn’t sound like he was mumbling. “I know that you allied with me in the first place because you were worried about Riddle and thought I was more powerful than he was. Well, he’s gone, now. It might be that we’ll have to worry about him sometime in the future, but never the way we did. You’ll probably be a grown adult by the time you meet him again. You don’t—you don’t have to feel that you need to pay me for protecting you by courting me or something. And you don’t need to worry about me not being your friend. I still will.”

There. It wasn’t necessarily everything Harry thought about the way Orion was courting him, but it was the most important thing.

Harry couldn’t let it continue. If it continued, he would want it to be real. And too much of it was mixed up with Orion’s desire to protect himself from Riddle for it to be real.

“Harry.”

Harry had opened his mouth to explain that he understood why blood status would play a part in Orion’s decisions, but he closed his mouth now and eyed Orion. Orion was leaning a little forwards, his face flushed more than the light from the torches in the corridor could account for. Harry could hear Orion breathing more clearly than he could hear the muffled sounds from the party in the Slytherin common room celebrating Riddle’s departure.

“Why did you accept my courtship in the first place, if you thought it was like that? Do you want me to go on doing it, or not?”

“I—I—”

What could Harry say? He had wanted it to be real. It had been intensely flattering. Here was someone who had wanted him for reasons other than the Boy-Who-Lived ones that Harry had been sure would be why people wanted to date him in his own time. And Orion had been a loyal companion, someone to cling to in all the strangeness of living in this timeline and facing down his mortal enemy while said mortal enemy was still a teenager.

Dumbledore had abandoned him in the future-past. Other people had shunned him because of the Prophet’s lies. Ron and Hermione were cut off from him by the gulf of time. But Orion was here, and he didn’t seem like he would ever walk away.

But too much of that made no sense without context, so Harry chose the simplest answer. “I liked it.”

Orion blinked. That wasn’t the answer he had wanted, maybe. But Harry had to go on speaking

“I’ve been lonely here in Hogwarts, and before that, I was—well, there were people who didn’t believe me no matter what I said.” Harry shrugged and looked at the floor. “I didn’t believe you at first when you said you wanted to be my friend, and when I did and started to feel I could trust you, I didn’t—I thought it couldn’t be a bad thing to have someone closer than that. I liked the way you made me feel.”

“Yes?” Orion sounded thick and hoarse. Harry hoped he wasn’t about to start crying or something. Harry had no idea what he would do then. “What was that?”

Oh, great, now I have to describe it. Harry sighed and looked at the wall to miss the look that might be in Orion’s eyes. He was definitely mumbling when he said, “Treasured.”

Orion stepped closer. Harry turned to watch him because he had to, and was surprised at the smile on his face, especially when Orion stopped abruptly. But his voice was low and warm when he said, “There’s no reason that has to end.”

That’s what I want to hear. But Harry couldn’t accept it without some proof of sincerity, precisely because he wanted to accept it so much, so he said, “But you became my friend in the first place to stay safe from Riddle.”

“In the first place. It’s more than that now.”

Harry stared at him. God. I hope that’s true. But I wonder if it is. Or if he’s convinced that he fancies me now but would want to move on sooner or later.

Orion half-bowed his head and took something out of his back robe pocket. Harry knew he had a blank stare on his face as he looked at it. It was a box made of some pale wood that looked like it was about half the length of Orion’s arm, and it had something on the front. A crest? Harry thought he remembered seeing it on the letter Orion had sent his father.

Is it an early Christmas gift? Must be. And not one I can accept when I don’t know how he feels about me. “I mean—thanks, Orion. But I have my trunk to keep things in.”

Orion blinked and looked as if he might start laughing. Harry relaxed a little. Easier to move past the moment with teasing and Orion pretending to scold him about some etiquette mistake than it would be if Orion was upset about this.

“The box isn’t the gift, Harry. What’s inside it is.”

Harry hesitated, studying him, but Orion didn’t look as if he would take back the gift or as if he was lying. So Harry finally nodded and opened the box. He choked when he saw what was lying there.

He couldn’t help reaching out to touch the robes that filled the box and seemed to shimmer with a subtle glow. Hadn’t Mrs. Weasley said something about enchantments that could be put on robes to make them do that? Not that Harry would know, when he’d only ever owned one set of dress robes in his life, the ones for the Yule Ball, and they were now as gone as anything else from his timeline.

“No one’s ever bought me robes as a gift before,” Harry said, and started when he heard himself sounding all shy and pleased. He hadn’t meant to sound like that.

Orion smiled and spoke a little breathlessly. “I thought you said Professor Dumbledore bought you books and—”

“School robes,” Harry said, as he realized the mistake and looked up at Orion. He would never want Orion to doubt he was unique or special in Harry’s life. “This is different.” He picked up the box and put it on the floor so he could get the robes out.

When he’d lifted them out, Harry could see that they weren’t dress robes, not exactly. They were dark red robes that looked a little different than the ones he’d worn to the Yule Ball, but still nice. They had silver fur along the hood and the cuffs that looked as if it was spun snow. And yes, they did have a glow to them that he suspected came from spells.

Harry was smiling. He couldn’t help it, and couldn’t stop himself from smiling. He turned the robes back and forth, feeling the weight and silkiness of the cloth. He stroked them with one hand, and heard Orion catch his breath a little.

Is he imagining me touching him like that?

The thought sat in his head while Harry draped the robes across his arm and touched the fur on the hood. Then he thought he had the courage to look up, and step towards Orion. He did remember to fold the robes up around his arm so they didn’t drag on the floor and get dirty.

No one’s given me a gift like that before. I want to give him a gift that I haven’t given anyone before, either.

He leaned in and kissed Orion, more softly and sweetly than he’d kissed Cho.

And it turned out that he had less courage than he’d thought, because he couldn’t maintain it, not when there was heat brewing between them that sang to his blood and made him want to run his hand down Orion’s chest. He turned his head aside and said quietly, “Thanks.” Then he turned to busying himself with the box and the robes, knowing that Orion was watching him.

The weight of the gaze became almost the same thing as the weight of the kiss. In the end, Harry had to cough and ask, “Do you want to go back to the party now?”

Orion hesitated for such a long time that Harry wondered if he was going to say that he’d rather stay in the corridor. Not that they could, forever. Not that they would have had as much to do here as they would at the party. What would they even do?

Blood rushed to Harry’s face as he thought of the obvious, and he coughed to get rid of the temptation. He glanced up at Orion, and found him nodding.

Good. There were some things that Harry both wanted, and knew he definitely wasn’t ready for.

He walked in front of Orion back to the Slytherin room, carrying the box. If he touched the lid every now and then, that was his business.

And if he smiled at Orion as they went back in, it was because he was thankful for the gift. And because he did enjoy making Orion look as if he had been struck by lightning.

*

“What is it?”

Orion has been watching Harry for the past half-hour. He just got back from the Mind-Healer that Dippet insisted he see, and he’s said little. Then again, they were down in the common room, around people who aren’t necessarily friendly. Now, they’re alone in their bedroom except for Abraxas, who’s sprawled on his own bed, lounging there and watching Harry with eyes nearly as sharp as Orion’s.

Harry starts and looks up at him. “What?”

“Your Mind-Healing session. Something came up, or the Healer told you something that disturbed you. You’ve been brooding since you got back.”

Harry shrugs and lies down, with his hands folded behind his head, staring up at the canopy. “Fine. It was fine. It went fine.”

“Harry.”

Harry closes his eyes for long moments. Then he says, “I’m—I want to tell you, Orion.’

“But?”

“It’s going to change the way you think of me,” Harry almost whispers. He rolls on his side and stares at Abraxas for a moment. “The way both of you think of me. Pardon me for wanting to have—to retain a space of time when you both still think well of me.”

By now, Orion is so alarmed that he doesn’t know what to say. He glances helplessly at Abraxas, who nods briskly and sits up.

“Harry, nothing could change the way we think of you unless you went and testified that Riddle did nothing to anybody, or said that you were glad we got tortured,” Abraxas says softly. “And I know that you won’t do that. Even if you did, I would be looking for possession before I would be looking for it to be your sincere opinion.’

For some reason, Harry starts giggling like a mad thing, lifting his hands to rest in front of his face. “Possession!” he whispers. “Oh Merlin, possession.” And he goes back to the giggling.

Orion and Abraxas exchange glances again. Abraxas looks as if he wants to wait until Harry finishes laughing and then ask him questions. Orion is in favor of Stunning him and asking them when he wakes up.

Maybe seeing Orion’s hand resting on his wand, Abraxas clears his throat loudly. Harry manages to stop himself with a gasp and sits up. “Sorry,” he whispers. “It’s really not funny.”

No, it’s not, Orion agrees silently. Nothing is funny that has made Harry turn as pale as he has, his hands clasped around his knees as if he can bring them up and defend himself against flung curses.

“Please tell us,” Orion whispers.

“Okay,” Harry says. “The Healer wanted to examine my mental state, and she used a few charms to do that.” He breathes out slowly. “Some of it wasn’t a surprise. She says that I have so many bad memories they’re crowding my mind, and a lot of them have to do with Riddle.” He tucks his chin down. “But there was one really big fucking surprise.”

Orion swallows. He’s heard Harry swear before, but not in front of Abraxas. And Abraxas is straightening with surprise and alarm, staring at Harry with his mouth slightly open.

“I have his Horcrux in my head,” Harry whispers.

“How is that possible?” Abraxas’s voice is loud and sharp, while Orion merely feels as if the world has started spinning around him. “When did he have the chance to—what did he sacrifice—what happened—” He breaks off, shaking his head furiously.

“I don’t know exactly,” Harry says, which Orion thinks is probably true, but only technically. Harry must have a good idea of what happened and when it happened. But he can’t tell Abraxas about the time travel.

Part of Orion that seems to have decided to be rational in spite of everything is thinking like this. The rest of him is screaming silently, in agony so intense that he doesn’t know what to do, how to move.

Harry bows his head. “I don’t know how it got in there,” he whispers. “I don’t know why it hasn’t influenced me so far the way that I think—the Horcruxes could probably influence other people. Or the way they seem to have influenced Riddle. But it could start any time, couldn’t it? I could be tainted, and I could turn on my true friends.”

His hands catch in the covers and clench so hard that Orion thinks he’s going to rip them off the bed. “I’m tainted.”

“That’s why you didn’t want to tell us,” Orion whispers. “Because you feared that we would turn our backs on you.”

Harry nods and looks up, tears standing out glittering on his cheeks. “Why wouldn’t you? I know that I’m tainted, and I know—”

“Harry, you are not tainted,” Orion says, and crosses the distance between them. Abraxas still looks too shocked to do so, and Orion understands that, but Harry is going to take it as proof of rejection. He takes Harry in his arms, and feels him shake for a long moment. “You know that you won’t get possessed by Riddle.”

“How do you know that?” Harry whispers. “The Mind-Healer said she had never seen anything like it. She wants to study me. But she did say that possession might be one of the things that could happen.”

“I know because it hasn’t happened so far, and because we’re going to get that piece of the bastard out of you before it can do anything further,” Orion says with a fierce softness that makes Harry stop trembling to listen to him.

“Yes, we are,” Abraxas says.

Harry peeks over Orion’s shoulder at Abraxas. “No regrets that I’m touched by the soul of someone who tortured you?”

Abraxas sighs. “Well, at least you didn’t say tainted this time,” he mutters. “But yes, I know that we’ll succeed, because I’ve never yet seen anything that the Blacks and the Malfoys couldn’t do when they joined forces. And because you’re my friend, you and Orion, and I’ve become aware that I didn’t really—have any of those before. I’ll do anything to keep you, you can be sure of that.”

Orion nods. He feels much the same way about Abraxas. And there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to keep Harry, nothing that would cause him to regret falling in love with him or want to give up this fierce hold he has on Harry and their future together.

“I’m sorry that you didn’t have any,” Harry says. “Just as long as you’re sure this is worth it.”

“Yes,” Abraxas says, with a faint smile, and as Harry looks down to rest his face on Orion’s shoulder, he rolls his eyes at Orion.

Orion rolls his back. He can understand Abraxas’s exasperation, but this is just the way it is, dealing with Harry. He knows why far better than Abraxas does, which means that he can put up with it better.

And maybe the time will come when Harry thinks it makes sense to tell Abraxas the truth about his time travel. Orion really has no idea how else they’ll explain Harry being a Horcrux.

At the moment, Orion has no idea how to combat Harry being a Horcrux, either. But Abraxas is right, and they will find a way.

Orion won’t settle for anything less.

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