Okay, I'll try to be coherent, but don't expect proper terms from me. I'm not commenting as an author, but as a reader (what I have more experience with).
So first: I loved the way you created the main problem both for Harry's and Draco's lives. Both of those subplots were complete units on their own and were resolved nicely within the confines of the whole. But they weren't connected to each other. What I missed as well, was the connection to JKR's characters, because while I can imagine Draco ending up as an astronomer and his greatest character flaw becoming to be too immersed in his work and too curious, neither of those can be derived directly from the characterisation JKR left us at the end of book 7 (or before the epilogue, anyhow). The same is true for Harry, except that I can imagine him becoming a suicidal maniac and snuffing his friends that way even less. It would have been nice if you showed snippets of how that happened. Because those things can be explained.
2: From beginning to end, the fic was immersed with a constant tension, an emotional high or nervous energy, which didn't resolve enough at the end. It was very tiring to read because I expected something to happen at any moment, and I couldn't predict what the characters would do based on what I know of them from their canon characterisations. In a way, you kept me at a constant readiness, no lull in the tension with quiet scenes and such.
3: I don't see how Harry and Draco went from enemies to lovers. I got the explanations, but I didn't see the gradual change in their perceptions or at least not enough that would explain to me why they'd suddenly start comforting each other or caring what the other thought or having sex -- okay, the latter can be explained with the need to release all the adrenaline. It just seemed like a random sex scene at the end to explain how this story is a H/D and not just a friendship fic.
I loved the plot and the settings. They were greatly detailed and inventive. I also liked the description of the centaur's magic and when Draco realised what it was. It could have been a climatic scene - if there had been enough preparation for it: to make me see how much Draco really yearned for it, how important it was for him. But what I saw was that he liked his work but he enjoyed teasing Harry more. Same for Harry: a gradual build up of his problem (little hints at first and other people's despair of where he was going or some internalisation in his POV) would have worked better to build up to his climatic scene when he chose to live and reinterpret the meaning of freedom. (And again, I don't see 'freedom' as such mattering much to Harry in canon.)
4: The explanation of why they needed to undergo these trials and why this was a big deal for the centaurs and wizards alike was only given at the end, after the fact, and it didn't convince me that Harry and Draco really needed to do it and that it was that important. It didn't make much sense to me to stage this whole thing, to be honest, it seemed more that it only served to get Harry and Draco change their minds about the meaning of their lives (and get them in the same place where they can realise that they want to have sex).
Um... sorry if something I said came out as offending. That wasn't my aim. I hope I was halfway coherent.
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Date: 2008-01-06 08:54 pm (UTC)So first: I loved the way you created the main problem both for Harry's and Draco's lives. Both of those subplots were complete units on their own and were resolved nicely within the confines of the whole. But they weren't connected to each other. What I missed as well, was the connection to JKR's characters, because while I can imagine Draco ending up as an astronomer and his greatest character flaw becoming to be too immersed in his work and too curious, neither of those can be derived directly from the characterisation JKR left us at the end of book 7 (or before the epilogue, anyhow). The same is true for Harry, except that I can imagine him becoming a suicidal maniac and snuffing his friends that way even less. It would have been nice if you showed snippets of how that happened. Because those things can be explained.
2: From beginning to end, the fic was immersed with a constant tension, an emotional high or nervous energy, which didn't resolve enough at the end. It was very tiring to read because I expected something to happen at any moment, and I couldn't predict what the characters would do based on what I know of them from their canon characterisations. In a way, you kept me at a constant readiness, no lull in the tension with quiet scenes and such.
3: I don't see how Harry and Draco went from enemies to lovers. I got the explanations, but I didn't see the gradual change in their perceptions or at least not enough that would explain to me why they'd suddenly start comforting each other or caring what the other thought or having sex -- okay, the latter can be explained with the need to release all the adrenaline. It just seemed like a random sex scene at the end to explain how this story is a H/D and not just a friendship fic.
I loved the plot and the settings. They were greatly detailed and inventive. I also liked the description of the centaur's magic and when Draco realised what it was. It could have been a climatic scene - if there had been enough preparation for it: to make me see how much Draco really yearned for it, how important it was for him. But what I saw was that he liked his work but he enjoyed teasing Harry more. Same for Harry: a gradual build up of his problem (little hints at first and other people's despair of where he was going or some internalisation in his POV) would have worked better to build up to his climatic scene when he chose to live and reinterpret the meaning of freedom. (And again, I don't see 'freedom' as such mattering much to Harry in canon.)
4: The explanation of why they needed to undergo these trials and why this was a big deal for the centaurs and wizards alike was only given at the end, after the fact, and it didn't convince me that Harry and Draco really needed to do it and that it was that important. It didn't make much sense to me to stage this whole thing, to be honest, it seemed more that it only served to get Harry and Draco change their minds about the meaning of their lives (and get them in the same place where they can realise that they want to have sex).
Um... sorry if something I said came out as offending. That wasn't my aim. I hope I was halfway coherent.