I couldn't read the chapter earlier, as I had an exam, besides, I felt it'd be easier if I read it together with the last chapter of this part.
I kind of like what Draco hated most about himself. I have some questions though.
I thought all the potion did was remove what a person hates most about themselves. But you describe Draco's condition after drinking as "potion-quickened mind". While I guess you mean that is hi condition when free from his hesitation, the way you phrase it almost makes it seem like he got his fast analysing skills thanks to the potion. Oh, God, my explanation sucks on second reading. I hope you'll get what I mean.
And a small phrasing problem:
“Not monetary,” said Cordelia, revealing a bit of valuable information in her hand and a threat at once, which proved she was thrown off-balance, and then turned and passed out of the shop.
'Pass out' as a phrase means losing consciousness, so you might consider using 'went out' or 'walked out', or some other verb to avoid the confusion.
I like that you had what is most typical for Hermione be her statement that she really feels like herself again. The fact that she wants to read was the perfect possible way to show us the impact of the potion and how much it helped Hermione.
Well, now I have to say that Cordelia is becoming more and more interesting, though at the moment her motivation and final aim are more of a guess than anything else for me.
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I kind of like what Draco hated most about himself. I have some questions though.
I thought all the potion did was remove what a person hates most about themselves. But you describe Draco's condition after drinking as "potion-quickened mind". While I guess you mean that is hi condition when free from his hesitation, the way you phrase it almost makes it seem like he got his fast analysing skills thanks to the potion. Oh, God, my explanation sucks on second reading. I hope you'll get what I mean.
And a small phrasing problem:
“Not monetary,” said Cordelia, revealing a bit of valuable information in her hand and a threat at once, which proved she was thrown off-balance, and then turned and passed out of the shop.
'Pass out' as a phrase means losing consciousness, so you might consider using 'went out' or 'walked out', or some other verb to avoid the confusion.
I like that you had what is most typical for Hermione be her statement that she really feels like herself again. The fact that she wants to read was the perfect possible way to show us the impact of the potion and how much it helped Hermione.
Well, now I have to say that Cordelia is becoming more and more interesting, though at the moment her motivation and final aim are more of a guess than anything else for me.
I am rushing forward to the next part.